Posts Tagged ‘ human condition ’


photo by loveblushfever (c)

Breeze coming in the window.  Quiet thoughts.   Simple, unadorned images of faint, yet bright memories drifting into and out of view.  What we have to say versus what we have to tell.  Stories have all kinds of beginnings.  I sift through fragments of thoughts, ideas of things, and hold on a little longer to some kind of meaning that continues to elude me.   It feels like I haven’t slept in years.  My keys are still in the door.  I’ve left the coffee on all day.   Laundry’s still in the washing machine.   I’m holding on to the edge of the desk half off my chair.  Either I’m terrified or I’m indecisive.  Regardless, it is the end of something.  I feel that whatever all of this has been is cascading to an end point where I don’t have to do this anymore, where there is no will to put myself through all the drama any longer.  It feels at once relieving, warm and good, and absolutely horrifying.  Anything that ends is this way.  I’m not prepared to embark, to push away from the shore and just float along, no direction, just stumbling through,  on undercurrents, fumes.  Just get on with it.  Inhale.



photo by loveblushfever (c)

“The lines between choice and mandate are thin because the lines between self and culture are thin, the internal and the external tightly entwined and difficult to separate.”  Knapp, Caroline.  Appetites. Counterpoint, New York.  2003.  P. 112.

To choose well or not is to enter into a mathematical discussion with oneself and even small decisions require some consideration, although the equation might take up fewer pages and perhaps there is no internal recognition of the conversation taking place.  Simple things like deciding on coffee or tea after dinner involves a fairly clear-cut set of values; do you want caffeine coursing through your body into the small hours of the morning so that sleep evades you?  Perhaps you have a long evening ahead bent over some paperwork, or just a desire to enjoy the fullness of night.  Larger choices, particularly those concerning money,  fall under this same rule of mathematics, of weighing and balancing, pros and cons.

The process of decision-making falters however, when we allow our emotions entrance to the forum.  Suddenly logic fails us.  There is nothing mathematical about the heart, after all, but it’s anatomical structure.  It is fickle, unpredictable,  steered by feelings and instincts that we hardly understand.

To be ‘free to chose’ can be terrifying because it requires us to know and to be certain of what the hell we want.  In some instances this is simple and obvious; a new pair of shoes, a magazine, water, a nap…..  Other choices are much more demanding of our time and tend to linger just beneath the surface of our day-to-day consciousness.  Specifically the art of choosing to share oneself, not the physical structure mind you, but the very core, the pieces that exist beyond our meager tangible constructions.  To be human and to be genuine and authentic, we are required to participate in this sharing, this giving and sometimes taking  (although we cannot enter into a transaction with the expectation of receiving anything in return-that would be both presumptive and selfish).  We must share with intention and purpose.  So send out invitations on bits of napkin or fine linen stationary, maybe a group email, by any means really because  regardless of how, it is necessary.

A person cannot flourish encapsulated by only their own self as witness.   We should strive to make ourselves painfully uncomfortable every so often, to choose to want to be off-balance, just barely treading water.


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