WOODY ALLEN QUOTES

 

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THE FOLLOWING IS A LITTLE COLLECTION I HAVE STARTED OF WOODY ALLEN QUOTES

IF YOU HAVE ANY GOOD ONES EMAIL ME!

 

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

 

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

 

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you’re dead it’s hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it’s being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do … I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the Hell`s he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we`re gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I`ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It`s not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”

(Hannah and Her Sisters) [1986]

Regarding love… what can you say? It`s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It`s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

 

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought– particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

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